Q: How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
A: Get rid of one.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A: The knock always slows down.
Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer.
Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.
Q: Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner,
"I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
Q: What's the definition of "nerd?"
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3. The grip.
Q: What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
A: The exhaust.
Q: What's the difference between a Tenor sax player and a macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy, and the other is a bird.
Q: What's the range of a trumpet?
A: Thirty feet if you have a good grip.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Five.
One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
Q: What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: He's too sensitive.
Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
Q: How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
Q: How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
A: He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
Q: What is the dynamic range of the trombone?
A: On or Off.
- It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
Q: How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A: Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1. "Hi. I played that last year."
2. "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut." Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
Percussionist Jokes
Clarinet Jokes
Saxophone Jokes
Trumpet Jokes
Trombone Jokes
French Horn Jokes
Tuba Jokes